Friday, April 29, 2011

To Implant or not To Implant

Thank goodness I'm not referring to hair--my heart goes out to any woman who needs hair implants.  It also makes me think of Roald Dahl's book The Witches, where true witches have no hair and always wear gloves.  Anyway, I'm getting off track here.

This post is about my "friend."  Let's call her . . . Pacha.  "Why Pacha?" you ask.  Because Pacha sounds very sassy--like someone who wears big boots AND knows how to make soup.

My friend Pacha, wears a size one pants but has A minus boobs to match--literally.  She's very athletic.  She'll take almost any dare and she's always been against breast augmentation.  By the way, isn't that an ugly word?  Augmentation.  It sounds like they pull out an ironing board and iron your boobs to death!

Anyway, "Pacha" was always against artificial boobs, until one day nine years ago.  She was pregnant.  For the first time in her life, she'd gained a bit of weight.  Outside the birds chirped.  Sunlight wafted through the windows.  The house smelled like pumpkin soup, because as stated above, anyone named Pacha likes soup.

Pacha began walking down the stairs.  She patted her round belly and cooed to the baby.  She didn't expect it to happen.  She didn't expect a life-altering moment, but that's when it happened.  As Pacha descended those stairs, her boobs bounced--actually bounced.  Her life had forever changed.  She felt like one of the birds outside, like she could fly.  She smiled for weeks after that because she'd felt her baby kick and her boobs bounce!

So, now Pacha, that soup-loving dare devil, is done having children.  She's done breastfeeding and her boobs are back to an A minus--literally.  She can't get that first bounce out of her mind.  God gave her boobs, for nine years of pregnancies and breastfeeding she was made of gold.  But now . . . she's done and her boobs deflated until they were as flat as melted cheese.

I have a question for you, oh lucky people who own a set.  What would you do if you were Pacha?

Would you smile proudly.  Go out and buy a sword and a mace.  Be glad that you're one of the only women on this planet who was born to be Amazonian.  Heck, Pacha wouldn't have had to lop off her right breast; you can't mutilate what you don't have!  I bet she could shoot an arrow with the best of them.  Pacha could even kill an Orc . . . because she has no boobs and she's just like Goldie Hawn.

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Or (if you were Pacha) would you buy a push-up bra, one of those nice watery ones that make you feel like a walking aquarium?  Would you lie to the world because you're a wuss who likes water!

Would you get fake boobs, because you're obsessed with Tigger?  You're so addicted to bouncing that you can't get it out of your mind?

Or finally would you drink caffeine like crazy since someone told you it can make your boobs swell?

Please give me your advice.  Poor Pacha.  She's feeling superficial and contradictory.  At least she still loves soup.  She loved the fact that when she went sky diving she was extra aerodynamic.  Would she lose part of herself only to gain bouncy perfection?  Is this a stupid thing to be concerned with?  Thank you for your help, all of you.  You are truly the best blog gurus I know!

29 comments:

  1. Tell Plancha she should be thankful she is a sz: 1. Implants are too risky. She probably looks fine the way she is.

    P. S. I have a reciting hair line and I am a woman who does not appreciate your joking with me.

    From: unamused.

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  2. Yikes. Looks like the lady above me isn't happy with this post, but who cares! I say no to fake boobs. God made her perfect, so why change?

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  3. Wow . . . lay off, woman. She was just having fun. She didn't mean anything offensive.

    I have implants and love them. I wish I would have gone one size bigger though. They aren't as "bouncy" as you'd think, but they've really helped my self esteem. Good luck. I know "Pancha" will do what's right for her.

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  4. well...at first I think everyone looks good the way they are, but... if this problem makes her unhappy and insecure, then I think it's ok for fake boobs. But only if nothing else works out for her. only then.

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  5. Dear Unamused,

    I am so sorry. I didn't mean for this post to come off the way it did. I'm sorry about your hair :(

    Alicia-
    You are a doll ;)

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  6. Let me start by saying, I LOVE boobs! Absolutely love 'em, I tell you. Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs! God bless them, they're wonderful

    But...

    only if they're real. I don't care if they're real small, real round, or real pointy.

    If "Pacha" is having security issues, tell her to get a pit bull, but leave her boobs alone!

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  7. I say if it's something that is going to make here feel better about herself, and more like a woman then why not implants? I say go for the implants! There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel more sexy and womanly especially after bearing however many children she had. You deserve it pacha!!!

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  8. Reciting hair line...

    Reciting = answer, chant, communicate, convey, declaim, delineate, deliver, describe

    Reciting Hairline = communicative hairline... nice

    I say go for the fake boobies!

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  9. Pit bulls--pit bulls are good.
    Thanks for your advice, everyone ;)

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  10. Tell Pancha to wait until I am done having kids, then we could go do it together!

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  11. So who's the one who cant spell receding? ROFL anyways i think Big Boobs are over rated!

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  12. Who the hell is this Pancha anyways? i thought it was Pacha? LOL!!

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  13. I love how there is a little blog battle going on with all sorts of hurt feelers. People are way too sensitive nowadays. Anyway, I think this soup girl should save her money so she and her good friend can go to Ireland together and call people names like "idget" all day long without fear of them going all "anonymous" on them. :)
    P.S. we all have problems. Some have receding hairline, some have no boobs, too much boobs, fat, skinny, whatevs--embrace it and be happy.

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  14. Dear Thomass and Anonymasses-
    You've never suffered from a typo? It shouldn't be legal to make fun of people with hair problems!!!!!

    From: deeply upset

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  15. If I didn't feel the need to stand up for myself I'd just delete my first comment!

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  16. My friend Betsy M. has been considering a tummy tuck for the last couple years since she has also had several kids and is done bearing babies. Her now stretch marked tummy skin did not go back to near normal like the lucky size 1, amazingly thin, and beautiful Pacha.. but she also is considering a "job" while she's at it to help out possibly turning her A's into nice bouncy C's.... However, Betsy also has the same superficial and contradictory feelings as Pacha. What to do!!!

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  17. Alright I say it's up to Pacha the soup girl. I agree that people are overly sensitive about stupid crap. Get over yourself anonymous. I'm blind flat chested, and sway backed and I'm the first one to make fun of it all. It's not the endof the world. Back to Pacha. She should look into it and way the consquences carfully. If it is something she really wants to do then she should go for it.

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  18. While I didn't need implants, a few friends of mine wanted them desperately. Not one to judge, I say, go for it Pacha, God wouldn't've invented plastic surgeons if he didn't expect someone to hire them. Go for it if you want it! :-)
    Have a great weekend!

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  19. For all the people that have receding carpet that they call hair, there are a few great people in history that have "talking hair pieces"
    ................
    ................
    Donald Trump....
    ................
    really......I can't think of any others....

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  20. Disciple of ApostateApril 29, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    Suffering from typos? what kind of suffering is it? and is it contagious?

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  21. Dear Protate Priestass and his butt follower-
    It's not a carpet. I'm all nat-er-al

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  22. Ok, sorry but minnie is pushing me now to say this, "Boobs, Boobs, Boobs! So sick and tired of hearing about boobs, they come and go! Now If I were a man with a small pen.. then I woul be worried! hey, what you can't put inot your mouth or your hands all go to waiste anyways!"...Sorry just couldn't stop her, but I guess if the bra fits, wear it :)

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  23. Pacha aught to be glad that she doesn't have big- uns cause when she gets to be about 45 to 50 it all goes south anyway. Just like Beetle Bomb, she could let them hang and wear a belt over the top of 'em. Those with big-uns will eventually have a bad backs. I have heard of a lot of people that end up with health problems from them too! Double whammy! LOL!

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  24. I am naturally overly well endowed in the boob department and it really isn't all it's cracked up to be. 1)Clothes never fit. 2)People tend to assume you are of easy virtue. 3)Bras are lifetime investments due to their insane prices (this is especially true if you've got a low band size, like I guess your friend has as she is so tiny!). So unless she's handy with a sewing machine, happy to appear slightly sluttish to others, and has money to spare for lingerie galore - going large may not be the best option.

    I've considered it from the other side (going under the knife for a reduction) and always come back to "Why put yourself and your family through a major operation for no good health-related reason?".

    Ultimately, I imagine that she'll do what she wants despite what anyone says.

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  25. Okay, so, I believe personally know this Pacha. She is perfect in every way. In my opinion "Big" boobs and a tiny body just don't mix. :) Years ago, I had a couple of young girls that thought that I had mine removed from cancer or something, as I am so small that I seldom wear a bra. The only time you can even tell that I have anything at all is either when I am nude, or I wear a push up bra. My 11 year old daughter wears the same size bra that I do. Seriously, eh, I don't care much about it either. So, in answer to your question, I am going to ask you a question. Pacha does have an awesome pair of boots, right? With awesome boots, who needs boobs. Just sayin.

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  26. You are all soooo awesome :)

    Yep, "Pacha" has boots. I think her dad bought her some. And that's a valid point, practically a theory ready to become a law--with awesome boots, who needs boobs?

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  27. Grandma Gertie hit the nail on the head - big boobs head south. I'm definitely on the larger side of boob-age and even after just 2 years of 2 babies and breastfeeding, they sure ain't as perky as they used to be!
    My opinion? The grass is always greener on the other side. I know that boobs make us feel womanly and feminine and I understand that for women that don't have big breasts can feel less womanly. But as someone who has the opposite problem, it's just as annoying at times - tops don't fit or sit right/some styles are just a complete no-no for modesty reasons. We can feel embarrassed to be seen in bathers. Bra shopping is a nightmare, not to mention expensive, as many brands don't make their bras big enough. Our cups are usually overflowing!
    God has made us all the shape and size we are. And while we certainly don't often like what He gave us, we need to accept ourselves as we are. (I'm so preaching to myself here...)

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